What's in a name?

Franklin…apparently that’s what the next child—if there is a next child—would be named…yes, child—boy or girl—Franklin. If Caleb had his way.

I, on the other hand, have different plans. Really the only thing that stands in the way is my wife. But I’m open-minded and have flexibility, so I’ll give her options.

Option 1: Mike (spelled J-O-H-N-N-Y). Tell me that wouldn’t lead the first grade teacher to an early retirement. “Johnny?” “No, it’s pronounced Mike.” Genius.

Option 2: Any name can be made more exciting with an exclamation point. You want “Bobby”? I want “Bobby!” Everyone, by pronunciation and the basic rules of the English language, is happy to see you. Always!

Option 3: Mhwwwwwff. The spelling is still in question. But it is pronounced, well, the noise that you make when you sniff in when you have a runny nose. Cold-epidemic runs through the class? My kid is suddenly the most popular kid in the class. Again, genius.

Option 4: Mister. Instant respect. His kindergarten teacher is calling him, the five year-old “Mister.” Respect.

Option 5: Doctor. Let’s cut to the chase and give the kid his doctorate right out of the womb. “What’s your doctorate in?” A doctor of mydadzanidiot. Greater respect.

Option 6: Anything with a Ω in it. I was actually looking for a schwa—you know the upside down “e” that sounds like—like whatever you want it to sound like. The name’s flexible, but I’m firm on the insertion of a character outside of the standard 26-letter alphabet.

If this isn’t reason for a third, I don’t know what is. Unless you factor in the fact that Doctor! might knock down his oldest brother’s towers, then Caleb might have something to say about that.